Broke London

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'I got them out and framed them especially for you'

I thought i’d share the account of one of my favourite tinder dates I ever went on. Favourite in the sense that when I recount it my so called friends squeal with laughter/spit out their wine/shout ‘again, again, go out with him again’.
This account was recounted to my dear pal T over email. I met this treat of a man on Tinder. Of course I did. Good old Tinder, home to the undercover mentalists of this world.

Disclaimer: This is not him. I’m desperate but I still value my life and stuff. 

Are you sitting comfortably?
Then I’ll begin.
I’d like to start by saying that he works for credit suisse (bit boring but good), he’s attractive (good), 6ft 2 (v.g.) and northerner (also v.g.)
Unfortunately he is an absolute WEIRDO.
We met and went for a drink. He was not drinking. That is obviously fine but he also didn’t tell me this until he had gone to the bar and got the drinks. I’d also made a ‘good time gal’ joke about wanting a ‘bucket’ of wine. So far so alcoholic.
So although he wasn’t drinking in December (otherwise known as the month of boozy abandon) I reasoned that he had a full on job and it was a Monday so I thought it was fine. I don’t think I can organise my thoughts to run through the whole evening in sequence so I shall just give you the edited highlights or as the police might refer to it later “The incident diary”.
1) When on the subject of Tinder he said, and I quote, “Well it’s just zero effort isn’t it. It’s great.”
1.5) He quizzed me on the modes of transport I took to work so vigorously that I would not be surprised to see him following me there.
2) He talked about money so much that I know how much he earns, how much he expects to earn in the next couple of years, how much his Christmas bonus should be, how much his rent is and how much the rent on the flat he wanted to get was.
3) He showed me pictures of both his flat and the flat he wanted to get on his phone. I did not ask him to do so.
4) He made a comment about the tenants who rented the flat he wanted. It went along the lines of “Chinese students?! They come over here and take our jobs and places at our universities and all the good flats.”
5) He announced we were leaving after one drink and then when I said ‘oh right well I’m going to go down here and get my bus’ he seemed really surprised and said – ‘oh I was going to ask if you wanted to see my flat. We can have a cup of tea.’
I agreed to go with him. FOOLISH.
6) He gave me a tour of his house. At one point he showed me the TV room. This was his description of the room
“It’s good because if you have a date you can say you are just going in here to watch TV but then you can just lock the door and do whatever you want.”
He then slowly locked the door in what I’m sure he considered to be a jovial manner but actually felt a little menacing.
7) Asked me repeatedly if I liked his shoes.
8) Used to write for the Economist. When I said I didn’t read it he got very upset and announced “Well I won’t show you my framed articles then which is a shame as I got them out specially!!”
9) He also commented “I can’t believe you haven’t read the Economist, I thought I had it in the bag just by telling you that one”
10) He asked me if I would show him my tinder. He liked lots of guys for me and was a tad too complimentary. “He’s gorgeous”. Umm right.
11) When making a slightly compelling case for why women have control in relationships he stated: “Women only sleep with men if they want a relationship”
me: “oh I don’t know if that’s true of all women. I mean I have some friends who might beg to differ”
him: “I think you have tragic friends who just throw themselves at men”
me: “You are tragic”.
12) Previously to this he gave me a guided tour of his wardrobe and showed me how neat it was.
13) He suddenly announced he needed to go to bed and I confirmed I was leaving. He then lay on his bed whilst I showed myself out. He did not trouble himself to come to the door with me.

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