Leaving a job for pastures new is often fraught with complications and general bits of awkwardness.
If you’re wondering how to navigate the socially awkward waters of your leaving drinks with grace and poise then you should definitely read on.
Lol no, don’t do any of this. Really don’t.
The following events are a true and tragic depiction of my first ever leaving drinks from a job. Give me a break though – I was young (not that young), dumb and full of optimism (drunk on cheap wine). From then on I’ve always conducted myself with decorum at work functions*. Enjoy!
*Took home a boy that was born in 1996. Yeah you read that right. Not a typo.
1)Turn up at pub at five thirty on a Friday and be surprised, nay, OUTRAGED that you cannot find a table for 16 people without a booking. Mutter under breath loudly about how surely one of your ‘so-called friends’ should have done this for you. Be quite surprised when ‘so-called friend’ in earshot tells you to stop being a twat.
2)Do not under any circumstances follow the sensible ‘one alcoholic drink followed by one soft drink’ rule as a nice way of staying sober enough to bid farewell to your colleagues. No, instead order three bottles of wine to ‘save you going back and forth to the bar’ as the first round.
3)Make sure its pink wine too. Remember how well that sits with you and what a great laugh it turns you into.
4)When your best work mate has to leave early shout ‘NOOOO you’re my BEST ONE’ loudly in the ear shot of everyone else.
5)If people tell you, you have begun to slur, just shake it off. They are just jealous of what excellent fun you are. Have some more pink wine – it’s delicious.
6)Marvel at how sober you are. Discuss with your work mates how sober you are. Isn’t it amazing that you are still so sober? You should probably have a shot right?! RIGHT?!
7)Get some shots in
8)Start regaling the table with all your stories. They are all here to hear your voice remember. None of them like speaking any way. When someone else decides to speak, start texting your other mates with one eye open.
9)Let the colleague you refer to as ‘the warthog’ buy you a drink because let’s face it you earnt it due to the amount of times you caught him staring freely at your arse when trying to unjam the printer tray.
10) When your real life mates turn up, introduce them to everyone with thoughtful details.
‘This is Chloe, she steals my ideas’.
11)When one of your oldest friends turns up with two full bags of food shopping, having gone out of her way to make it to your leaving drinks and then tells you that, as a result of being in possession of ingredients for an 8 man spag bol, she can only stay for one drink tell her in no uncertain terms that she has to stay and then hide her shopping under the table so she can’t get to it. Proceed to pour pink wine down her throat too.
12) Give your boss an inappropriately long hug goodbye. Something to remember you by.
13)Once you are all good and drunk get an uber you can’t afford to a bar that you can’t afford to buy drinks at.
14)Hit the dancefloor like the cool classy girls that you are, throwing moves that impress all the boyz.
15)When the bottom of your mates food shopping bag falls out and 8 garlic baguettes roll across the dancefloor do not help her like a nice human being. Instead shout ‘MARIE! THE BAGUETTES! HURRY UP!’ in her face and then laugh like a lunatic.
For those that do not get that reference I’m sorry about your terrible childhood and also watch the above.
16)Enlist another pal to steal your mates Bonne Maman jam from the escaped food items. Open the lid and lick it for a hilarious joke.
You are such a bloody great laugh.
17)When your equally drunk mate then gives said Bonne Maman jam away to a tramp, do not intervene but instead laugh hysterically.
18)When your mate enquires as to the whereabouts of her jam, burst into irrational tears, point at your mate and shout SHE DID IT.
19)Black out and wake up in your bed with a slice of raw garlic baguette clutched betwixt your fingers, still wearing your shoes, with an impending sense of dread.
HAPPY NEW JOB.
Disclaimer: My equally drunk pal ate the WHOLE of one of the garlic baguettes in the cab on the way home. Yep. A whole raw garlic baguette. I won’t name names. She knows who she is.