I love Summer in London. There is literally no better excuse to wear something outlandish (hello lace midi dress from charity shop that you can see my nerps through – I shall wear YOU to the pub), drink incessantly (a sunny day without Pimms is a waste of said sunny day) and picnics a plenty (another excuse to crack out the Pimms…there’s a theme here I can’t deny it).
However, like all good things, summer does come with its fair share of downfalls. Ya know…. wasps…sweating…sweating on the tube…sweating profusely on dates…oh yeah and ten hundred billion WEDDINGS.
Tis the season to wed your lover in a barn in the middle of nowhere that inexplicably takes 14 hours to get to despite being within England.
Don’t get me wrong. I do love a good wedding. Free booze, free food, and the opportunity to play ‘who can get off with the best man first’. Note to all grooms out there, if you pick a best man that is already married I won’t be attending your wedding. Simple as. Kissing the best man is like kissing a celeb and whilst this may well be ‘your day’ some of us NEED THIS.
So yes, I love a good wedding. What I don’t love is realising I have ten weddings to attend, all in different locations, a wardrobe full of weird clothes and not enough money in my Pimms budget to make room for a trip to a shop where I will undoubtedly emerge looking like this
So I thought it would be in everyone’s interest (girls only, sorry very small male readership – I value you all but also am aware that there is a) basically two of you and b) you only read this because I force you) to compile a handy guide for how to put together a non shit wedding outfit. I’ve also included some dresses you could buy that won’t cost you ten billion pounds.
NB: I’ve picked all these dresses and any other items from H&M. This is because I love H&M and I am a big believer in being able to buy everything you need in one shop. For cheaps.
Before I start this guide an overarching rule to follow is tread the slutty/comfort line with care. By all means wear something that will guarantee you a spin on the dancefloor (code for being felt up behind the photo-booth) with whatever male will have you.
However, if said outfit clings uncomfortably to stomach, itches, or makes you sweat in weird places (oh pearl coloured silk dress that gave me under boob patches how I both adore and despise you) DON’T WEAR IT.
The Country Wedding
A bastion of English wedding culture the country wedding promises laughs, decorative haybales used as seats and more bunting than you can shake a stick at.
Of course every wedding is different however there are a few things I can guarantee
- You will stay in a shit hotel
- The weather will not be as nice as you think
- You will probably end up snogging some guy with a poncey name wearing an even poncier hat (think fedora, straw boater etc) that will be an infinitely less attractive prospect at the obligatory breakfast the next day. As will you.
So here are my golden rules for dressing for said country wedding.
Firstly, bring options and layers. The country wedding is notorious for cracking out either the hottest day you have ever experienced or torrential rain. You will also most likely be staying in whatever remote location the bride and groom have plumped for. I honestly think if I got an invite to Narnia I would not raise an eyebrow at this point. So you will need something to transport all your essentials to and from the venue. Basically you’ll need a bag.
Opt for something in the mid length region. You will most likely be spending some or all of the day outside and long dresses + moist grass do not mix.
I picked this one from H&M because its only 24 quid, it has a handy top flap bit (that’s the technical term) that will hide your riotous enjoyment of the buffet and it’s as close as you can get to black without actually wearing black because people don’t like that. Especially if you’re single and loudly drunk. They REALLY don’t like that.
Whilst pastel is a lovely sentiment I would recommend steering clear for the most part. Namely because you will most likely spill something down yourself that will stain and then you will cry. FACT.
Take it from the girl (i.e. me) who wore a pale pink bridesmaids dress at her best pals wedding and nearly upended a glass of red wine on herself. Jumping up and shouting HOLY FUCK JESUS NO in-front of a 90-year old vicar called Arnold does not endear you to the wedding party. Or, I’m sure, to God.
Team said dark coloured dress with a nice jacket like this beauty (also H&M) or with any blazer you have in your wardrobe.
You know you have one. Everyone does. Alternatively beg your mum to borrow her pashmina and play posh grown up lady for the day.
If you do insist on wearing pastel try one of these. I did warn you though.
Finish entire look with bag and…I cannot emphasise this enough…WEDGE SHOES. Wear stilettos at your peril. Unless you like sinking into the grass in the style of a character on Jumanji.
The London Wedding
ALL HAIL THE LONDON WEDDING.
If you have friends who are nice and kind enough to get married in London, you should go and give them a big hug right now. Goodbye pricey travel inn on the side of a motorway in Cumbria. Goodbye inexplicably expensive train ticket/ three hours in the car with ‘fun uncle pat’.
HELLO tube journey there, fun drinks in a pub and the possibility of seeing your friends (aka texting your latest tinder romance) afterwards.
The city wedding also means a much more relaxed take on wedding attire. Because whilst you might feel comfortable floating around in a floor length creation on a beach or in the country you will feel like a right nob on the central line in it.
The city wedding calls for jumpsuits, nice skirts and top combos and fun fancy heels. For some unknown reason you can also be way more relaxed with the colour scheme. By this I mean you can wear black. Who knows why?! Who Cares! It’s a weird unwritten rule and its truly wonderful.
You cannot, however, wear white because that makes you Satan no matter where the wedding is taking place.
So take your pick from the beauteous items below you lucky sods. I’ll be thinking of you as I sip on a ‘Something Blue-berry mojito’ whilst the straw from the decorative haybale scratches my bum.
The Beach Wedding
This may be simply a personal opinion. But I truly believe that if you have purchased tickets, boarded a plane and flown to an entire other country to celebrate the wedding of two people you once liked before they made you spend ten bazillion pounds on their wedding you should be able to wear whatever you damn well please.
This wedding is all about dressing for comfort, sweat patch avoidance and of course maximum beach babe appeal to attract whatever waiter you’ve had your eye on since you arrived. What happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii!!
This is where the maxi dress comes into its own. The longer the dress, the flatter the shoes my friend and on a beach you do not even want to look at a heeled shoe let alone put one on.
I’ve picked out a selection below. Yes a few are a bit mad but caaamm aaaannnn you’re in another country.
Go forth and prosper my friends. I hope you have fun! If you fancy giving me a twirl in your fancy new H&M number that you tell everyone is from Whistles then please do. I’ll be at the bar, gazing into the eyes of the best man saying ‘oh my god your speech was sooooooooooooooooo funny HAHAHAHA (alluring hyena laugh)’ whilst hastily rubbing the red wine stain into my tactically red wine coloured dress.