Ah the world of dating. It can be indecipherable at the best of times.
Take the time when I went on a date with someone I had met in real life only to discover it wasn’t a date but infact a weird business meeting in which he took me to a glorified pret a manger and then got his laptop out to show me his excel spreadsheet.
Which would have been fine except for the fact that I was wearing heels and a fur coat like a 20th century prostitute and had brought nothing with me at all.
ITS JUST HARD TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON OK!
And that’s before you even throw online dating into the mix. A murky underworld of disappointment, fear of dying alone and topless dickheads posing with tigers.
Having been around the tinder block once or twice (aka downloads it for 2 days. Meets love of life. Deletes app. Goes on date with love of life. Love of life turns out to be a cockwomble. Swears off men. Gets bit bored. Sees ex in Paris with new girlfriend that looks like him in a wig. Downloads tinder.) I am perfectly placed to offer a little bit of help to all you confused souls out here.
I present to you the ultimate guide to translating online chat. I do hope it helps you navigate the waters of the dating world. I can’t think of anything else witty to say I’m afraid as I drank enough wine last night to think it was acceptable to blow a falafel man a kiss whilst purchasing a late night snack.
“I’m 6ft exactly haha”
He’s 5ft. 11. Trust meeeeeeee
Side note: Why do you do this boys? I have actually never noticed this discrepancy myself as I’m 5ft 4 (5ft 5 in my big girl shoes!) so most people are taller than me. NSF however is a much more elegant 5ft 7/8 and the difference is instantly noticeable. So do yourselves a favour and take heed of this warning from NSF: Boys – Do you think we won’t notice? Do you think we’ll imagine that we magically GREW overnight or that you shrunk in the wash? Did you think we could conduct an entire relationship sitting down? NONE OF THESE THINGS ARE VIABLE.
“I’ll take you on a really nice date I promise”
I will take you to a questionable venue that is in close proximity to my house.
“I don’t do much online dating to be honest. I don’t love it”
I’ve been on 50 dates so far this year. I’m not 100% sure I remember which one you are.
“I like keeping fit”
Translation: If you don’t closely resemble Giselle I will do a big sigh and go… oh well this is was a waste of my time and flick through tinder whilst you’re at the bar buying me a drink that I indicated I wanted by staring pointedly at the bottom of the pint glass and going ‘sooooooooooo… shall we bother having another or…”
“Do you have facebook? Or Instagram?”
We get it buddy you are subtle as a BRICK. You want to check that our carefully arranged and selected photos designed to show us as cool (festival pic holding a beer), laidback (‘no make up’ pic with hair in ponytail holding a dog on a farm), fun (laughing pic in some sort of pub vibe scene. Maybe with some kind of silly headwear on. What a HOOT you are), not like other girls (doing something sporty/wearing a sports top to show that you’re willing to go freeze your tits off at a derelict stadium of a Saturday) and sexy af (casual bikini pic snapped whilst you weren’t looking by your friend that actually look ten attempts and culminated in you kicking sand at said friend and bleating ‘for the love of GOD do I need to take it MYSELF?!?!) actually look like us.
They don’t. Of course they don’t. They look like the very best version of ourselves OBVIOUSLY. Are you telling me that the pic of you artfully diving into the sea, muscles a-rippling is a true representative of you on an average Tuesday evening. No of course it’s not. But its also highly unlikely that you are actually messaging some old bloke called Gary. Just look at the tinder pics, minus the filter, add some Christmas chub and an unfortunate spot and that’s pretty much what you can expect.
UNLESS, like my pal I, you get a girl who purposefully litters their tinder with less attractive pics of themselves so that they will be a ‘pleasant surprise’ for their date.
The mind boggles.
My problem is I either look like a megababe or an actual ogre in all pictures so it’s either basically tricking people into going on a date with me and facing the inevitable real life to picture ratio disappointment or only attracting fat old men who secretly have wives.
Life is tough folks.
“I’m not taking the tinder thing too seriously. Looking for someone to have a laugh with.”
‘I will sleep with you, take a photo of you sleeping and send it to my mates on our whatsapp group invariably named something like ‘Legends 2017’, ‘The WolfPack’, ‘Lads O’clock’ or similar.
“I’m looking for more than a one night stand”
Will hound you to go home with me and then when you don’t sleep with me and get an uber home I will message you to tell you that I have a boner.
I GO OUT WITH THE NICEST MEN.
I’m a ginormous bellend and will probably try and do weird things to your bum.
“Looking for a partner in crime”
Ok this tells me two things
- That we gonna get DRUNK on our date (yaayyyyyy)
- You don’t ACTUALLY want a partner in crime. No you don’t. You think you do until said partner in crime to be grabs a mars bar from under the nose of a highly unimpressed shop keeper and pegs it out the door like a drunk buffalo. Do you think this highly risky manouerve resulted in said ‘partner in crime wanter’ exiting the shop in a haze of lust, dragging me into his car and hitting the road a la Bonnie and Clyde. Did it fuck. Infact he approached me as one might approach an unexploded bomb and said ‘umm…why would you do that…’. You asked for a partner in crime PATRICK. Immm jussss here givin the people what they want. Ohhh you meant a partner in cooking some average bolognaise on a Sunday night. Oh I’m sorry. My huge mistake.
“oh my god you like Whiskey? I think I’m in love.”
Why do boys find it so weird when girls like whiskey? Is it so hard to believe that we might drink things that you might also like.
Also why does it affect you what I drink? Will you be having small sips of my drink all evening? You’ll have to get in there bloody quick mate I’ll tell you that.
You might like the fact that I like Whiskey but you certainly won’t like the result. Whiskey in particular brings out my drunk alter ego: Maud. And she is not a nice lady. Maud is both terrifyingly self-obsessed and desperate as an old homeless dog. She’ll probably tell you she loves you then pass out into her meal. That’s how Maud rolls. Fancy ordering me a single malt now? Wait come back!
Nahhhh we all know it’s because you’re on the hunt for the elusive cool girl who drinks whiskey and eats fuck loads of carbs but is borderline painfully thin but with a great arse and tits who also is totally cool with you never ever texting her ever because she’s too busy playing video games and cooking you steak.
She sounds AWESOME.
“let’s tell everyone we met in a bar”
Are you ashamed of me Greg? That’s not very nice is it GREG?!?
Basically, what this says is ‘I’m way too cool to be on tinder, I could definitely go and pull a woman in a bar if I wanted to, but I’m talking to you. lucky old you.’
LOL NO YOU COULDN’T GREG. You’re just as sad as the rest of us.
Don’t get me wrong. No one wants to be on tinder. If the genie from Aladdin burst out of an old pot in your kitchen and offered you a lifetime of happiness with someone who vaguely resembled any member of greys anatomy (pls mcsteamy) you would definitely not say ‘nah you’re alright. I’ve got this thing on my phone that allows me to be disappointed and sexually harassed in equal measures at any time of the day or night. I’ll stick to that thanks!’ would you. Nope.
“Looking for some good banter”
I think insults are a substitute for conversation.
The last guy who said this to me also called me before we went on our date and asked me if I actually looked like my profile pictures or not.
“Work Hard, Play Harder”
I work in recruitment/marketing and am a tosser.
Can I call you before we meet?
Direct quote from NSF: “No thanks, I’d rather not have a pre-screening interview type phone call. Also who uses their phone to actually call people these days?!”
I’m entirely in agreement. Whilst it’s tempting to rule out the possibility that we have some hideous speech impediment or are infact a fat man named Ken best just to leave it. Nothing screams HUGE WEIRDO more than wanting to talk to us on the phone before you’ve met us.
Apart from dick pics. Feel like I shouldn’t have to say that but…yeah…apparently this is still not clear.
I work for a bank in the city, but don’t worry I’m not a dickhead
Yes you are.
“Tell me three true or interesting facts about yourself”
I do beg your pardon, I thought I was on tinder but it turns out I’ve stumbled into a team building day or a particularly bad job interview.
No one wants to answer that question because it just highlights that we have borderline only one interesting fact about ourselves if any at all.
Also no one wants actual true facts. Well ‘Liam’ let me see: “pink wine makes me mad bad and slutty, I once went out in Camden and ended up in a Wendy house in Hampshire with no recollection of how I got there and one time I was sick into my friend’s handbag, blamed a nearby boy and then she punched him! What larks! Oh and I LOVE murder mystery novels. Oops that’s four lol! Your turn!
Also as NSF pointed out, if you are unlikely to march up to someone in a bar and demand three interesting facts from them you shouldn’t do it online. You also shouldn’t do this in a bar as demonstrated when I went out to flirt with strangers and ended up hiding behind the DJ booth from some insufferable rugby fan in chinos who was just dying to tell me more about the sport.
Fancy a cuddle?
I’m a pervert.
“You have such beautiful eyes”
I like your tits in that top.
I know you do Jeremy. I selected that picture for that purpose and that purpose alone you fool.
So go forth and conquer – swipe until your fingers wear out. Just remember the golden rule. Always just best to assume: