A friend of mine once described Tinder as ‘a bunch of sexual predators and lunatics who masquerade as nice normal blokes with dogs’
Fair? Sadly sometimes.
Online dating is weird at the best of times. It can feel like a total minefield full of blurry shots of nipples (why guys, why), pouting gym selfies (pls no), and borderline offensive introductory blurbs.
e.g. this charming man.
YEAH LADIES, IS IT SO MUCH TO ASK?! HES NOT ASKING FOR THE WORLD IS HE? GOD.
So lads if you’re looking to score a date, or three, off tinder, here are some simple tips to getting our numbers.
Ps: for those of you who feel patronised by these tips – congratulations, you’re a nice normal human.
READ MORE: How to translate online dating chat
I once found a guy I worked with on tinder. Under job title he’d put ‘Hedge Fund Manager’. His blurb also included the sentence: “Life’s too short not to spend ma money, fast cars, fast women, you know it huni”.*
Whilst puke worthy in itself what was even more gut wrenching about this was I happened to know that this guy was, in fact, a junior account manager and I was (at that very moment in time) watching him eat a peanut butter sandwich that his mum had made him as part of his packed lunch.
He also described himself as a “cunning linguist” on his internal work IM account name so….that probably tells you something about his warped sense of what is appropriate.
*fun fact guys – every time you call a girl ‘huni’, a vagina seals itself shut forever.
Lying like this feels weird to me because you’re guaranteed to be exposed as a complete weirdo when it inevitably comes out that you’re lying.
This also applies to those who decide to describe themselves as “6ft exactly…because apparently that’s important on here ;)” in their bios and then almost always turn out to be 5ft 7 and a half. On tippy toes.
Look – height isn’t important to all of us. I’m 5ft 5, I care not. But there’s something extremely weird about actively lying about part of your appearance. Because (and spelling this out feels weird but heck seems like we’re still not there yet) AT SOME POINT WE WILL SEE YOU. Unless you’re planning on conducting our entire courtship sitting down – best to just be honest.
This goes for both girls and guys. Obviously we know that we all put our best face forward when it comes to photo selection. Am I going to upload the picture of me sitting in a shopping trolley swigging directly out of a bottle of champagne wearing an elf suit at my last work Christmas party? Actually…. No no bad idea.
However to use an example told me to me by a guy I went on a date with last week, turning up as a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON, is a different kettle of fish altogether.
He actually said that she was a perfectly normal looking girl but just not the girl in the photographs which lead him into a panic spiral that he had somehow confused her with someone else he was talking to and had to try to quickly scan through the app whilst she wasn’t looking.
Honesty is the best policy kids.
That’s why my tinder byline reads: “I will friend your mum on facebook and turn up at events I was not invited to.”
You really only have yourselves to blame lads. I did warn ya. See you at cousin Suzy’s wedding.
READ MORE: How to spot a Fuck Boy
Don’t lure us in with your dog
One of my friends the other day was bemoaning how one of our sluttier male pals had been extorting her dog as a means to attract women on tinder.
“He keeps snapping selfies with him and hashtagging #hugsandpugs or #pugsnotdrugs. He’s not even a fucking pug, he’s a French bulldog – what an absolute moron.”
Look guys, we love dogs. We really do. But I don’t care how cute your dog is, I’m still not coming directly over to your house when I haven’t met you before to play with said dog.
Which leads me to directly on to….
Stop inviting us to your house
Let me say this loud and clear. We do not want to come to your house.
Ok let me rephrase. At some point we will want to come to your house. That point is not before we’ve met you.
You might think it says suave and relaxed. To us it just says potential murderer. And that’s not a sexy look I’m sure we can all agree. No matter how low your bar is set this is surely a stoop too far.
Just get up, get dressed and meet us in a pub. It’s not that hard.
READ MORE: How to have the worst first date
Don’t ask us to have sex with you before we’ve met you
Like I wish I didn’t have to say this but…. Clearly this is not yet universally understood.
Don’t call us ‘frigid’ for not wanting to have sex with you before we’ve met you
Again… I… yeah.
Be respectful with your opening lines
Whilst ‘Hi, how are you’ might feel boring or overrated, I can assure you it is 100% preferable to anything even vaguely sexual.
For example just this morning, whilst I was minding my own business eating my breakfast, I got one saying “I’d do horrible things to you”.
Bloody hell Christopher. It’s pre 8am. I’ve got a mouthful of toast and I’ve not had my coffee yet. Wind your neck in son.
The same goes for opening lines including but not limited to “fancy a cuddle?”, “Netflix and chill?”, “hey babe want a massage?”, “Please sit on my face” or “how much for one night?”.
READ MORE: How to get out of Tinder alive
Don’t listen to wikihow
During my ‘research’ for this I stumbled on a vair amusing article by Wikihow on how to talk to girls on tinder. May I please recommend that you don’t take this advice and refrain from sending any of the following messages.
Wikihow says: Say “Hi Layla, I was wondering how many people have quoted song lyrics to you on here?”
Weirdly specific. Ignore.
Also probably at least seven sadly. For this is the world we live in now.
Wikihow says: Say “I’ve always heard you existed but I never quite believed it. Now its confirmed for me: a girl like Mallory really does exist” It’s silly but if you’re lucky she’ll think its cute.
No she won’t. She’ll assume you’re high or English is not your first language.
Wikihow says: Say, “I can’t believe this happened again…” Follow up by mentioning how you get paired with lots girls that are food snobs (or another defining trait). Ideally, she’ll want to show you that she is different from the other girls.
Yeah insult us guys. Make us feel like shit. We love that.
If you send me that I guarentee the reply will be “I can’t believe I’ve been messaged by yet another fucking lunatic. Excuse me whilst I go boil my head”.
Wikihow says: Other options are, “Tracy, could you settle a bet between me and my friend?” or “Jen, what should I message you if I really want you to respond?” or “Emily, if you had to pick any other person with my name to message you, who would it be?
No no no. These are not options. These are bizarre. Tracy, Emily and Jen will be screenshotting your messages and laughing about them in their ‘idiots on tinder’ whatsapp group.*
*incidentally mine is called ‘Head in Oven’ because that’s what messages like that make us want to do.
Wikihow says: Say something like, “Stacy, I saw you like Cage the Elephant. Are you going to see them at Coachella this summer?”
This is the kind of tinder message my mum would write. A few years back my mum suggested that I call up a guy that hadn’t messaged me since our last date and say “hey there, it’s Friday night and I’m at a loose end. Do you fancy going for some wine and chips?’
HEAD IN OVEN.
Wikihow says: If she tells you she likes to play guitar, ask her if she has ever recorded herself playing, and if you could see the video.
Nope don’t do this. Doesn’t say ‘I’m super interested in your hobby’, says ‘I’m going to wank over this later’.
Wikihow says: Say, “It’s been fun messaging, but I’d like to hear your voice, too. Could I have your number?” It’s direct and she will either say yes or no. Even if she says no, ask her if she would like to keep talking.
Before he killed her.
Stay away from the winky emoiji
The universal calling card of perverts the world over. Just avoid, remove it from your phone if you must.
Nothing says ‘I’m going to try to do weird things to your bum’ like a winky emoji and honestly nothing makes us want to take our clothes off less.
So there you have it fellas. An idiots guide to getting a first date from Tinder. The rest is up to you.