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How to decipher modern dating terminology

Are you being ghosted, benched or merely zombie-ed? Yes folks its 2018 and the worlds gone bonkers.
It used to be, back in the day, a whole lot simpler. Boy and girl meet, they date, they settle down or they break up. Easy as.

Then online dating came along and basically ruined it for everyone. Whatever your views on app dating I think we can all agree that it has contributed to a pretty disposable dating culture. I could wax lyrical for days about how unacceptable I find the way humans treat other humans on dating apps however that’s for another time.

This guide is to help you navigate the confusing world of dating terminology. Because giving your shit treatment a cutsie millennial name really is the antidote to heart ache.
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Aggressive sarcasm aside – if you want to know how to end things with someone you’ve been involved with like a real adult, feel free to check out my guide here.
In the meantime, here we go.
Ps: there are many, many times that I think I might hate 2018 and this is one of them.
Ghosting
Probably the most well-known and cowardly custard method of breaking up with someone in todays dating scene. As the name suggests you simply disappear without a trace, with no thought or care to the person who is probably staring sadly at their phone and wondering if you fell down a well and if, actually, they’d prefer that to having to accept you’re a spineless weasel.
READ MORE: How to spot a Fuckboy
Newsflash to all ghosters: No one is going to cry a river if you send them a text saying you don’t want to see them anymore. Actually they’ll probably be pretty pleased that you saved them from a relationship with someone who a) gives no fucks about their feelings and b) honestly believes that disappearing is in some way easier for anyone involved other than themselves.
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And to anyone who has been ghosted let me tell you something. You do not want to go out with someone who cannot summon the balls to let you know that they just aren’t feeling it. If you look at a list of everything you want in a potential partner I’m pretty sure cowardly and selfish don’t make that cut.
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So if someone ghosts you I highly recommend that you call them on it and then promptly put them in the bin where they belong.
Stashing
As unappealing as it sounds. When someone you’re dating doesn’t introduce you to their friends or family and basically keeps you as their dirty little secret.
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Tag them in a facebook meme at your peril.
This is actually a v clever way of someone keeping their options open because if they do decide to sack you off for someone else they don’t have to deal with their mum/mates/interfering relatives saying annoying things like “What happened to that nice girl that you brought to the family bbq” and have to explain that sticking their dick into anything that stood still long enough was higher on their priority list than maintaining their relationship with you.
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Zombie-ing
Picture the scene: You’re on your way to work/wandering around the shops minding your own business when a text flashes up on your phone
“Hey you – how’s it going? Still writing your blog/living in Hackney/doing-something-you-obviously-would-still-be-doing-so-it’s-a-fucking-tenous-link-to-message-you-but-here-I-am-anyway?
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Your mouth drops open. Is this not the very same guy who ghosted you circa three months ago? Is this not the very same guy who spouted bullshit along the lines of “I like you so much”, “We should go on a weekend away together” and then dropped you like an old potato? Is this not the guy who was SO BUSY with his, frankly, entry level job that he simply didn’t have the time to reply to your messages for three fucking months leaving you to dust yourself off and wonder what specific part of your personality sent him running for the hills?
DING DING DING yes it is HE!!!
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This well-known phenomenon is zombie-ing and god knows why they do it. Boredom? Perhaps. Just been dumped? Maybe. Horny? God…urgh…probably.
I’ll tell you what it’s not though. It’s not a heartfelt realisation of how much they’ve missed you because frankly, if that was the case, they wouldn’t be hitting you up in the laziest way possible in the middle of the day.
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So do yourself a favour, do not entertain this. If you must reply at all please use the following template:
“Go eat a bag of turds”

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nothing except sweet victory that is

Benching
This is essentially when you find yourself unwittingly being someone’s reserve. Just waiting in the wings in case their main option doesn’t work out or does something gross like appear too available. It’s a crappy thing to do and if you suspect you’re being benched may I suggest you duck out of the game entirely.
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Put it this way, no one’s wedding speech ever featured the line: “After the girl I really wanted to date dumped me, I knew Rosemary was the one for me”.
READ MORE: How to maintain your dignity when you’ve just been dumped
Catch and release
I don’t think we can blame this one on online dating. Although we can blame this fucking annoying name on modern dating culture so that’s something.
In this tale as old as time this is where someone puts in a monumental amount of effort to date you. SO much so that you are nearly turned off by the effort level. But because we’re DUMB and usually a well meaning friend has reminded you that someone showing effort is a nice thing you slowly let down your guard and start to think you could really like this person.
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MISTAKE
As soon as you so much as utter an “I think I like you too” you will experience a freezing out similar to the Titanic. Things like “can’t give you what you need” and “not ready for a relationship” will be tossed out like it wasn’t just a week ago that they told you “I think you could be the one for me”.
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Now they’re acting like you rang up their mum and asked to try on her family heirloom engagement ring and froze your eggs and left them on their kitchen table.

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apparently only Kate Hudson can get away with this

Just chalk this one up to experience and stay away from the ultra-smooth talkers.
Breadcrumbing
Is this post making you want to die? It’s making me want to die.Image result for dating sucks gifOk – this is when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested without ever committing to properly dating you. Boring and annoying.
Signs to look out for include but are not limited to

  • Texts saying things like “let’s hang out soon” with no indication when “soon” might be
  • Liking your Instagram whilst ignoring your messages
  • Indicating to mutual acquaintances that they are interested but never following up
  • Making dates and then cancelling them the day before due to bullshit reasons like “something came up at work”. Side note: when has anything, EVER, come up at work that couldn’t be avoided if you’re not, like, a doctor? You work in marketing mate. I think its fine.
  • Making a date with you then going silent until you text them two hours before to ask if they’re still on at which point they ‘raincheck’ or ignore until circa 11pm when you get the obligatory ‘what’s up chica’ text.

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God I’m depressed.
Cushioning
This is not, as I mistakenly thought, what happens when you break up with someone and hurl yourself head first into a tub of carbs and ice cream to see you through.
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This is apparently when you are about to break up with someone/are dating someone but are worried they might dump you, so you have a few other people on the back burner that you occasionally flirt with so it feels like less of a big deal if your main relationship comes to an end.
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That feels like an awful lot of hard work.
So there you have it. An insight into the intensely depressing world of modern dating. Here’s a novel thought kids. Why don’t we all just grow up and treat each other with respect?
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Honestly it’s so much easier than you think. In fact here’s a template – a gift from me to you. Ideally you’d say this to their face but after the above I’ve not got the highest hopes so type this out in a text message would ya.
Hey (insert name here). I’ve had such a good time getting to know you but I really don’t think I see this going any further. You’re great but I don’t want to lead you on when I already know that this won’t work out. I really do wish you all the best with everything.
and for anyone else who is putting up with behaviour like this and pretending its totally fine when really you feel sad, confused and borderline mental – STOP RIGHT NOW.
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Being honest about what you want is the only way to actually get what you want. Not asking for it because you’re scared of being alone only cheats one person. You.
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So tell that person that you like them. Ask for more than 11pm texts and half arsed ‘dates’ where you sit on their sofa and watch them watch something not funny that you pretend to find just as hilarious as they do. Say no to three weeks of no communication followed by a text that required the most minimal effort known to mankind: ‘u up’.
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Ask for more.
And if he says no, burn his house down.

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